forever grateful

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Never Let Go - David Crowder Band

{souce: Youtube, Tapestry of Hope}
This has been on repeat, playing constantly the last couple of days. This song keeps me going. This song changes me. I can't even begin to describe how thankful I am for what I have found in the lyrics of all of David Crowder Band's wonderful songs and essentially, ministries. How their music attends to and compliments, builds the faith in my soul... I am forever grateful.
Yesterday as I was on my way home from my cardiology appointment in Durham, this song was with me -- God was with me. I reached an emotional state -- Thinking about the future, my new "diet" {no fat, salt, grease, soda, alcohol, etc.}, my next appointment, this amazing new procedure that I was always told would never be an option for me but now is {hallelujah!}, upcoming bloodwork {yikes!} and an MRI {double yikes!}, finding a cardio in SoCal, having to "time out" our future children so that it doesn't interfere with my medical needs, the potential surgery I will be facing in at least 2 years.....

Lots of stuff.

It hasn't necessarily been rough, just emotional. I know I can do this. It's just not something I want to do on my own. I have always had my mom to count on, my dad when possible, but I've never really done all this by myself {Because right now Marshall is in school, and the Marine Corps likes to steal him away from me...Not a fan}.
This appointment gave me a lot of answers, but the drive home was brutal. Three hours in a car never went by so slowly. I was "alone," and I was a mess. Everything was sinking in --- I can't enjoy funnel cakes, fritters, even bacon anymore --- I can't have too much popcorn, any more fast food, or even some/most soups {french onion soup is high in salt} --- And especially no more mexican food {salt, fat, grease} --- I have to be much more mindful of what I put in my body. My gift, from God.
God, who gave the doctors knowledge of my condition at birth in Kentucky, who saved my life {When it was something only "in the books" beforehand -- Forever grateful for the fast thinking and ready helicopter at Fort Knox}. God, who gave me the benefit of that 8-10% chance of survival at birth, who made me in His image and breathed me into life, out of near death. God, who told me that I had more time -- I didn't need a surgery two summers ago as we were almost lead to believe. God, who was with me the other day in the car, in the waiting room, as I was asking the doctor all my questions, nervous as this was my first time ever doing this alone.
But I am not alone.
God is with me. My strength, my life, my light.
Some lyrics, "Here With Me" by MercyMe, illustrate these feelings, my emotions, well:

I can feel Your presence here with me
Suddenly I'm lost within Your beauty
Caught up in the wonder of Your touch
Here in this moment I surrender to Your love

I have completely surrendered to my Creator --- 
Thankful that the MRI & follow-up appointment was successfully rescheduled in order for Marshall to be there.
Thankful that I made the emotional drive home yesterday safely.
Thankful that I had such kind and helpful doctors at the heart center; they were so patient, and had such understanding.
Thankful that we're moving to an area {San Diego} with some of the best cardiologists in the country, where I know I will be in good hands, especially when the time does come.
Thankful that I have a condition that keeps my health and eating habits in check.
Thankful that my husband is slowly beginning to understand and come to terms with all of this.
--- And He has blessed me!
The past couple days I have been contemplating posting this, making it public for all the world to see. So many people I used to know, or believed that I was friends with, just never called back  or talked to me again whenever they found out about this. Who wants to hang out with someone with such diet restrictions, who can't smoke or get drunk with you at 2am? Who wants to be a shoulder to cry on for someone, and actually wants to deal with such depth and unknown emotions, completely new to them? Who would honestly be able to understand, or at least try to? Who would actively take this into consideration when planning "fun" activities to do, like go out for happy hour, or even to go run a marathon? {Both things I can never do} Who would try to understand that I take this seriously -- my health -- and that I take their health seriously too? Who would possibly want to be told that because of this, if you really want to hang out, we shouldn't do this, this, or this, or I'd just honestly refuse -- because why would I expose myself to such health risks, especially in my fragile state? {Go here to read more about this specifically}
I never really talk about this, just because of how judgemental people can be. Just because I've lost many potential best friends, because they didn't want to deal with this and never talked to me again. Just because others don't know how to handle this, and therefore don't want any part of it. Just because it is personal, and maybe I'm just afraid of how people will take it. It is such a huge part of me --- the backbone of my existence. It's a big deal to just put this out there. Recognize that.
I have grown so much more sensitive to this topic lately, most likely because the time is near --- another year, and surgery will be seriously considered. It is unreal to think of this again, but I know I am in good hands. God will be there, Marshall will be there, family will fly in from out of town, and I will be surrounded by loved ones. {I am forever grateful}
But maybe this post will clear it all up a little bit. But maybe, just maybe, I can be comfortable putting it all out there again, for you to listen to or ignore. Here goes nothing!
for my God is a great God,
He never lets go
Something to leave you with:
Treasured words of e.e. cummings... He gets it. He used prayer as inspiration for his poetry. This is beautiful --- of a great and strong love, one that when recognized, can be found in Christ, to be modeled here and today, by marriage {our marriage}, God's design. I have found enormous meaning in this, in light of my situation and faith..{so much respect}

I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart)
I am never without it (anywhere I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)
I fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)
I want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)

---e.e. cummings {emphasis added}

{source: pinterest}
One last thing --- I would love to hear your thoughts, prayers, comments, etc. Somehow, I have overcome a fear of putting all this, my soul, out there for all to read, see, experience. Be respectful.

Listen or ignore; I only ask you to be here.
And I would love to hear from you, to be able to give you encouragement, to be able to share my faith, my testimony, my story, to be able to hear your concerns or prayers, to be able to be honest with others about who I am, where I came from, what I have overcome.
Thank you, from the depths of my heart, for taking time to listen, understand, respect.
Forever grateful,

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