the lows in our year

Saturday, January 14, 2017

As I said, something happened. Or rather, someone. But, I'm getting ahead of myself, because to fully understand this part of our story, we have to go back further into 2016...

It was May. I knew it was coming. The time to leave being a mama at home... toward a working mama. I was dreading it. But it had to  be done. I felt nervous and not mentally ready to work, to have my first year in the classroom, but I knew it had to be done, and now was the time. I also know that all I learned in school and training the past 6 years was leading to this point - and this point had to happen at some point, right? So it was. I did my "best" to put on a fa├žade for work. But it was hard. More on that in a minute.

I was 7 months postpartum with Taylor and loving with all my soul, being at home with him. Yes, even the sleepless nights.... We had our child, and he was enough of a blessing to be grateful for my time at home with him. I was still waiting for the day that things would go back to "normal" for me, at least as normal as they could be, post-baby....and with amenorrhea. So I had absolutely no indicator for the possibility that we could be expecting another blessing... Except for the symptoms. Nausea, excessive hunger, exhaustion. I didn't even notice this at first. Everything about this second child was different from the beginning...

Of course, having no indicator of the possibility of a child, a positive test was a surprise! But I knew. I was nervous, but overjoyed as I pictured two littles so close in age - I imagined our children close in age for a multitude of reasons. Birthdays a year and a half apart sounded perfect to me.

But this joy was short-lived. I took the test, waited a whole day to tell Marshall - did I mentioned I was so nervous? I knew this wasn't "our plan" financially, with the prospect of teaching and all. Yet we started to look for a way. A little sibling!

Since it was the weekend, we were going to wait until the next week to call the doctor. But as I said, everything about this child was different.

We knew our little blessing for only 3 days before things took a turn.

My pregnancy symptoms were different, than I remembered with Taylor. Cravings, mood changes, just that general feeling you get early on, when a woman just "knows" someone is coming.. Do you know what I mean? Yet it was not at all as smooth sailing as it was with Taylor. I was nervous.

Then it happened.

That feeling, the physical ache.. The "I can barely move I'm so exhausted --- where's that bucket??" My parents were in town visiting and Marshall was at work on their last day here, so we went out to lunch before they were on their way. That feeling was "there" the whole time. Naseous. Sick. Exhausted. Like I could pass out at any second. I nearly collapsed into my food. Starving. I knew I was hungry and tired with Taylor, but not like THIS. It was enough for my parents to take notice repeatedly, to ask if I'm okay, to question it... Did my mom ever feel like this... 6 months after having us?

Then I really felt it. I grabbed my purse, went to the bathroom, and there at a restaurant in downtown Mineola, we lost our second blessing, Taylor's little sibling, lost in the sewage...

I felt sick. Cramps. Clots. Pieces of our little one yet to be on this side of eternity... As I said, everything about this pregnancy was different. It was lost.

Two weeks later, I had my 6 month postpartum visit. The doctor "explained it off" and wouldn't answer my questions directly, simply because within those days of knowing - hormone levels tell all - there wasn't a blood test.. And having amonorrhea, there was no way to date the baby without a hormone check via bloodtest. My plan was to wait for this scheduled appointment with the doctor for that answer. But that wasn't God's plan. As I've said, things didn't go as planned in 2016.

I didn't really grieve, as I felt I should. I really didn't know what to do, what to think... I know that we will see our baby in heaven one day. And in May, that was enough for me. So I cried. Oh, the physical, not just mental, but physical pain.. But we kept moving forward. Not "moving on" but moving forward. What a huge difference in perspective. And we knew that the possibility for more babies was really and truly there, even with amenorrhea.

So I put all I had into applying to schools for the upcoming school year. I interviewed 4 times and took a job in 3rd grade. I was nervous from the start. I wasn't ready. And being only a month after we lost our baby, my first time leaving Taylor for more than a couple hours (other than overnight) since he was born..... Oh, I had so much trouble. There are so many reasons things went the way they did. And I will sum it up to say that mentally, physically, spiritually, I wasn't ready to teach. My heart was not in it. It wasn't right, and wasn't fair to the kids. Instead it was at home with Taylor and any future babies we have. I was still learning how to grieve someone I'd only just learned about, as well. Things did not go as planned in 2016.

I needed more time. For so many things, for so many reasons. Some mentioned here, many I just can't get back into. It was a lowest low of the year. So I resigned. And when I signed that paper, I immediately felt a weight lift. I had no idea that it truly put that much mental and physical stress on me. It was tearing me apart, and I was at my rope's end. I couldn't do it anymore. I didn't know how. I still had so much of the past year to process. How did all of this happen? But I needed to keep moving forward. This was just one step in that journey. And we figured something out.

So I went back home to Taylor full time, and took everything one day at a time.

This is where the tiny house comes in...
 
 

1 comment:

  1. Oh Katherine I am so sorry for your loss!!! Praying for you!!

    ReplyDelete

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